You got me shot down, by " "
I was the most angsty piece of shit yesterday but lol it felt good to just walk around aimlessly for a bit with my phone on airplane mode. Basically on Tuesday I got repeatedly triggered first by some interactions with people in VSA that put me in a bad mood and then afterwards the thing that happened happened again but by that time I already agreed to go watch Deadpool and I fucking knew I would regret it and guess what my pissed off levels just followed that y = ex curve. Everytime I thought I was over it and recovered ... nope just triggered again.
So yeah when we returned from Deadpool I legit just couldn't be in the same room as them so I grabbed my phone and just walked out of the library. Didn't know where I was going but ended up on top of Scientia listening to Khalid cus it had the maddest view of the main walkway. Was lowkey worried that seccys would see me and be like wtf u doing so I walked down to chem sci and just sat on the main walkway for so long i don't even know how long.
should've just stayed outside because when I returned to the library lmao triggered→infinity. tried to hide my fucking anger/sadness but obviously was not working so I tried to do a bit of work and then was like nope and went out again. This time I just sat like on one of the benches in commerce courtyard and tried to chill out.
improve my mental state by doing the right thing? not today satan.
will just patiently wait for Friday night when I know i will be triggered again
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| Figure 1 |
Some positives from the last three days:
- Saw Feng at UNSW and it was so strange seeing her long-ass body in matsci but nice. Miss being public nuisances with her. Bitched about high school people with Lianne lmao our favourite past-time.
- Stephen and I got 5 for our last ELEC lab meaning I got 100% for all of them this sem!!!
- Second half of Monday was so fun!!!! BESS networking night was the best thing ever lmao I got semi lit because I was serving the drinks and was bored so just started drinking it myself. But then depresso on the train trip home because I was alone. Talked to justin who is just one of those people that are too nice for this world.
- the first half of Tuesday - was cute, was chill, was fun, literally was so happy (AND THEN EVERYTHING CHANGED dun dun dunnn!!!!)
- Got driven to uni by Dalz and we got there in like 40 minutes?!?! wth?!?
Some negatives:
- Wasting time doing things that I shouldn't be doing uh (refer to Figure 1) instead of doing my ELEC assignment which I'm literally leaving till the last day. There's no character development here. At all.
- Legit had 4 things on my to do list... and I didn't even finish ONE of them. Tbh it wasn't supposed to take me this long.
- Utterly ignoring my VSA and Project responsibilities atm like literally rip me
Lizzie used to say she was like as sinuisoidal wave with her highs and lows and I was just a in a constant pit of doom but nah I think I'm sinuisoidal now. I get periods of time where I'm literally elated with life and then it can suddenly 180. l o l I wonder what it's dependent upon hmmmm.
What else do I have to say? oh yeah would highly recommend going up to the balcony of scientia building its actually so calming at night. Fk typing about this has made me remember that feeling again... I don't even want to wake up tomorrow because have to magic up an entire assignment in a day. I may flake on q&a night?
oh lol didn't consider the fact that I'm going to definitely get triggered if I go so GOODBYE world I'm not going.
wait khalid could you please repeat that? I don't quite get it.
Coaster
Coaster
sometimes it's funny how pathetic i am
the one thing I will never understand about people is why they would want to spend time with people they don't know over people that they do know. like I know that's so hypocritical of me because I used to do that all the time with VSA and strangers that I now call my friends and I wouldn't have gotten close to them IF there wasn't someone enabling us to hang out. e.g. Phuc inviting me to his squad pre's in first year even though they all knew each other and phuc was the ONLY ONE who knew me. He still fkn invites me though and I felt awkward as shit BUT I met some new people. I'm 100% sure that others in his group were feeling what I'm feeling right now which is BITTERNESS that he would invite an outsider to their pre's.
LIKE I KNOW WHAT THAT FUCKING FEELS LIKE. its the best when someone knows you're feeling left out and want to include you BUT fmd I get so angery when its like you're about to go somewhere with people you really really know and then someone goes oh do you wanna come too LIKE FKN WHY WHY BISH WHY NOW WE GNA HAVE TO SMALL TALK AND INCLUDE THEM TOO I FUCKING CAN'T
i guess some people are just like that tho (even though they said they werent)
Lately you don't seem so genuine.
cold blooded
I'm also aware that I'm being a bitch because this is how you're supposed to meet new people n grow n shit but FUCK WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU HAVE
lol I'm just in the mood to rip into people atm. Its 2 am and I have to get up in 4.5 hours and have to be conscious to do my assignment tmr what is happening. i'm like subtweeting but on blogger so i guess its sublogging.
I CAN'T SLEEP im in the mood to keep ranting booOoOoOoO.
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